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The Double-D : ‘End Search’

Dis-Comfort.

Dis-Cussion.

Dis-Tance.

 

I moved from Los Angeles, CA to Westport, Connecticut last December.  Before I left, I was in a monogamous relationship with a woman.  My decision to leave came with some heavy consequences. Specifically, our relationship coming to an end.

I wasn’t sure who decided it was over.  I wasn’t sure about anything, really.  I get messages from God about all kinds of things.  Usually, it’s something like a melody or a poem, but when God told me to leave LA and go be with my family, I had no idea what to do, or how to say “No, I have a girlfriend.  I have a career.  I have a life here, and I don’t want to go.”   Those thoughts became questions in my mind, and God responded, quietly:

“You will go because your family is the reason there is a You to have a girlfriend, a career and a life.  They will be gone someday…gone to a place that only memories can touch.  Choose wisely.”  Pretty awesome advice, huh?  All religions aside, God is my homey.

Anyways, I gave in to my fears and trusted the message.  I told myself that the move changes nothing.  I’ll still be the drummer for Uh Huh Her; still be a producer and poet and songwriter; still have my dance family connections in LA to come visit and keep in touch with.  AND!!  I’ll be close to my family.

The only thing that seemed to really change, was us.

She blocked me on Facebook, and when I reach out to her she is cold and distant.  I get it, and it also hurts.  I’ve googled her name and done image searches when I feel alone and wishing things were different.  It’s a strange feeling, looking back via Google searches on a relationship because I’ve been blocked on social networks.

Synchronicity being what it is, and hearts being what they are, life brought someone back into my life who used to hold the space at my side JUST as I’m in the middle of this enormous life shift/break-up/family awakening. And saying all the things a guy really wants to hear.  Naturally, I’ve gone online to look at her pictures too, and wonder about the meaning of it all…

End Search.  You are not your picture.  You are no longer alive in that frozen moment.  All your beliefs, your smell, your direction, every hair on your head is something new and different now.  Those moments are gone.  Somewhere you are making new frozen moments, like popsicles.  I can’t just move on and forget, and I don’t wanna fill the space with anything except time…

even though, not-so-secretly, I do.

 

 

~ rckstr

 

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